The other week I had to take my daughter to a hearing appointment. She didn’t pass her newborn hearing screening, so we were told to schedule another exam, this time with a specialist who works in a hospital in another town. I scheduled it when my husband happened to be gone. I had to try to find childcare for the second born. When I called to verify with insurance, they told me they didn’t cover hearing screenings. The doctor called the day of the appointment to say that we hadn’t been sent the right paperwork, that she needed to be asleep for the exam, and could I keep her awake and not feed her until the appointment? You know, for the 30 minute + drive I’d be taking just the two of us? And what if she really had a hearing problem? I started to meltdown.
And then I chose to breath. I called the doctor back who gave me billing numbers to give to insurance people: they said, “Oh, these tests mean there’s some concern! They’re covered” (as though I like to schedule inconvenient and expensive tests on my two month old for kicks – geez). I met my dad for lunch, and even though neither one of us brought maps (because we thought the other one was going to), my husband navigated us to the hospital (while he was in Kansas City getting ready to eat BBQ). We got an amazing parking space, we were seen forty minutes early, Josephine slept through the whole test, and she passed with flying colors.
I told Jason, “I should’ve known today would go like this: I read in Luke where Christ was talking about not worrying.”
One of my children is having anger outbursts, and we don’t know what to do other than ride them out. Another is reading up a storm, and I’m beginning to think that my plans for his schooling are yet in limbo again. My littlest one is just that: little. How does one get the car in to get a potentially hazardous part (according to the letter from the dealer we received two days ago) replaced when one only has one car? And last night, during a night feed, I discovered the cat to be licking himself excessively — because he had an oozing wound. So many things to worry about.
And then I attended Bible Study this morning where we heard an update on a sainted lady who is finishing her last trip around the sun. We’ve known this for some time, but a sense of urgency and seriousness and grief has descended upon all of us. One of my friends finds herself awake for two hours at a time at night, thinking about our friend, praying for her and her family, struggling with the anger of “why her? why like this? why not fix this?” and the presence of the anger at all (can we be angry at God? what does that mean? and what will happen?).
The phrase keeps coming to mind: “God allows in His wisdom what He could easily prevent by His power.”
`Think about the flowers. See how they grow. They do not work or make cloth. I tell you, King Solomon was a great man. But he was not dressed as fine as one of these flowers.
God dresses the grass in the fields so it looks nice. It is in the field one day and the next day it is burned. If God dresses the grass like that, he cares much more that you have clothes to wear. You do not believe in God very much!
`Do not keep asking, “What shall we eat?” and, “What shall we drink?” Do not be troubled about that.
All the people who are not Jews work for these things. Your Father in heaven knows that you need them.
But work for God’s kingdom. Then you will have all these things also.’
`Do not fear, little family. Your Father wants to give the kingdom to you.’
Our sister’s life and situation seems SO much more important, so much more worthy of true worry. And yet, Christ tells us not to worry – about *anything*. True, He’s talking in reference to daily needs … but her daily needs are almost gone, so I think it still applies …
Choosing to live out of fear/worry, or out of love/the Kingdom. I know how I want to live, but my head and my heart don’t seem to match up in how it looks. Perhaps a clue lies in Christ’s words that follow:
‘Sell what you have and give it to poor people. Make for yourselves money bags that will not wear out. Keep the things you like in heaven. They will not be lost there. People cannot go in and steal them, and insects cannot spoil them.
The place where you keep the things you like is where your heart will be also.’
Lord, cast out our fear! Transform our fears into love and light! You are with our sister; You are with us; may we carry that Love and Light, transformed from our fears and worries, to others.