Aj Schwanz

It’s the holidays, and my reading has consisted of things like Siblings Without Rivalry, Knitting for Peace, Cricket at the Manger (check out the stellar illustrations!), Hotel Dusk:  Room 215 (okay, so that’s not a book, but the game has enough words to make up a novel!) and The Genesis Trilogy.   Ecclectic, yes?  But then again, that seems to be the theme of the holidays (as we were going to Jason’s family’s friend’s house and Judah asked if we were going to spend the night there, and if not there, then where were we spending the night that night.  It might be a bit telling of our nomadic nature as of late).

Today I came across a review of a book that sounds like it’d spur some stellar discussion.  The book store is Hearts & Minds (HT Christine Sine), and the book is Peace to War.  I’m particularly interested since I just wrote a piece reflecting on our Yearly Meeting’s Query 10:  what will I say to my sons about war?  How do I live a lifestyle that is reflective and teaching about the way of peace?  How do I not?

The reviewer asked a question that peaked my interest:

Will the Mennonites, Brethren in Christ, evangelical Friends or other such groups lose their bearings as nonviolence is divorced from a full-orbed Biblical worldview? . . . As one reviewer on the back put it (from a Church of God seminary) “Here is a profoundly disturbing read for anyone concerned about faith formation across generations…the implications of this study are worth examining by all traditions asking ‘Will our children have faith?’”

Interesting thoughts as we move into a New Year (which I recently read isn’t so much celebrating a new year as much as marking the day that Christ was taken to the priests for circumcision.  Puts a new spin on the merrymaking, eh?).

“Attend to the injured party instead.” (119-120).

I’m still reading Faber and Mazlish, but now I’ve moved onto “Siblings Without Rivalry.”  And again, I find concepts that extend far beyond the child realm into How To Deal In A Loving And Kind Fashion With Humanity, Stupid.  Well, the Stupid is just for me because seriously, why haven’t I thought of these things before?

I’m becoming familiar with a lot of situations that are fairly unjust in the church.  As with families, why do I save up my most cranky and unbecoming behavior for my church family? And yet, that’s what seems to happen.  Without intentionality, I find myself creating or participating in unhealthy behavior, often without a thought:  it’s just the way it’s always been!

I skimmed the book UnChristian talking about the ways folks outside of the church view the church:  it’s not pretty.  I’ve read I Like Jesus But Not the Church:  more of the same.  I’ve functioned in traditional church circles and emerging/post-modern community/conversation circles.  What I’ve noticed is that everyone wants the same thing:  attention.  But how folks go about getting that attention differs.

One of my spiritual advisor friends gave me a picture of relationship dynamics as an inverted triangle with the bottom point being the Victim, a top point being labeled Defender, and the other top point being labeled Aggressor.  Those roles can be really unhealthy, and they’re easy to fall into.  Instead, she flipped the triangle over, labeled the top God, and the other two points People, pointing out that it’s so much better to be drawn equally to God, and then we’re drawn towards each other.  

Lately as I’ve seen the whole “Christendom” culture eroding and the “post-modern” mindset emerging, I’ve sensed that folks in the church feel threatened.  New means change; change is perceived as loss; loss means discomfort; discomfort means acting out.  When one sibling bonks another, they might do it out of frustration, or they might do it to get attention from the adult because they’re feeling some sort of loss.  And what typically happens?  I find myself running in and chastising the “abuser”:  ”Don’t do that!  You know better.”  Which he does:  because he’s getting what he wants.   

Instead, if I pay attention to the “victim” – don’t treat him as a victim, but simply state what happened:  ”Wow, your brother didn’t use his words like we’re supposed to in this house.  I see a bonk on your noggin.  Let’s take care of that”, both seem to calm down, and words get used more frequently that flinging lego blocks.  The “abuser” doesn’t get what he wants; the “victim” isn’t coddled or talked down to; the “rescuer” isn’t rescuing but rather noticing, stating, speaking to a better way.

“I had decided that my oldest son was a born bully, and my youngest boy was innately sweet and gentle.  And every day there was fresh evidence that I was right, because every day David seemed meaner and meaner, and every day Andy seemed more vulnerable, more pathetic, more in need of my protection.

The turning point came when the boys were about ten and seven.  I was in a session with Dr. Ginott and heard him say something about treating our children, not as they are, but as we hoped they would become.  That thought revolutionized my thinking.  It freed me to look at my boys with new eyes.  What did I hope them to become?” (Siblings Without Rivalry 122)

When church issues arise, what do I see normally happen?  Generally a whole lot of attention is given to the “abusers” or “complainers”:  they can be the loudest.  What would happen if we paid attention to the injured party?  Would people still only like Jesus and not the church?  Would people be freed of the roles they’ve assumed or been placed in?  Would we start to take baby steps towards that better way of being and acting?  In the Old Testament there’s a bit of doom and gloom, especially in the prophetic books.  But if I wade through it, I come to the other side reading such words of encouragement – hope – a better way – The Better Way.  

Hope.  Come, Lord Jesus, come.

My mind is almost always writing:  shopping lists, to do lists, things to do with the hubby/kids lists, etc.  Behind all of that there is another writer, the one who keeps pondering “What would it look like to live a truly intentional life?” and “Don’t forget to share that funny story about Judah with the folks” and “Ooh, this would be a fun post to make out of the flickr pictures” and “What is this whole spiritual life thing all about, anyway?”   These thought processes generally make it onto my blog, sometimes coherant, many times simply bullet points so I at least get them out before they’re forgotten.

But for now, I’m drawing a complete blank.  The “feeling anxious/must write/make the knot go away” sensation is present, but the words.aren’t.coming.  So, in an attempt to try and get some thoughts out, to stir some dialogue, to prompt some considerations, I’m turning to an old Quaker standby:  the Queries.  Which I’ve never really used before, so hey:  now’s as good of a time as any to start.

What are the queries?  Our YM website states:  “The Queries are thoughtful questions that remind people of the spiritual and moral values Friends seek to uphold. They help individuals and the church to consider the true source of spiritual strength, to nurture loving relationships, and to maintain a strong Christian witness to society. The Queries should be read frequently, as a whole or in part, in meetings for worship and business and other gatherings of Friends, and in private devotions. Always there should be time for reflection. Reading the Queries is a tradition of Friends.” True dat.

Because I’m feeling not-so-linear, I thought, “Hey, I won’t start with Query 1.  That’s so obvious.  I’ll start with the query that matches today’s date.”  Stink.  It’s a doozy.

Query 9
Do you conduct yourself in a manner that supports and preserves the sanctity and permanence of marriage? Do you who are married yield to each other in decisions and build up each other as individuals, always cherishing your common bond?

Oy.  “Mawe-widge, that bwessed awangement, that dweam wiffin a dweam”

The other day I heard a couple say it took a good ten years before they felt like they were on a good track for their marriage, getting rid of the junk that happened before they got married, establishing a good foundation.  Ah, relief:  I’ve still got time. 

I’ve been listening to an interesting series from Mars Hill called The Peasant Princess – it’s Mark Driscoll’s take on the Biblical principles of marriage.  It’s been . . . funny . . . challenging . . . practical . . . helpful . . ., but the best part has been listening to it with my husband.  On Friday nights when we’re at home, trying to not to go bed by 8:30 even though we’re pooped (party animals that we are), we’ve listened to a few of the podcasts while playing Tetris Worlds on the Wii.  Afterwards we’ve talked about the things he’s discussed – if we agree, disagree, want to try, never ever will try – and answer some questions he poses.  Times like that are these sacred little spaces for just us – no kids, no job, no “gotta get done” lists.  And we can think about the future, things we’d like to do, rather than just living in the panic of the present moment.

I’ve also listened to a series from Revive Our Hearts talking about the woman’s role as described in Titus 2.  This has been much more of an internal struggle for me as the speakers come from a fairly conservative background, and I live in a fairly liberal environment.  Part of me resonates with their interpretation, part of me recoils:  and I can’t tell if it’s my own thoughts or the influences of others around me that I’m responding with.

I think a lot of my anxt has to do with the whole “yielding” aspect.  I don’t yield well:  ask my parents (husband, camp counselors I didn’t get along with, children, etc.).

“Yielding” to decisions and “building” each other up seems to be a bit conflicting:  I see different road/construction signs in my head.  I know yielding requires action, but it’s different actions than building;  how do the two go together?

And so, in the midst of the holiday bustle, I want to remember to keep my eyes on the important things, the things that can so easily be forgotten, the things that I say, “Buck up and be happy that I’m bustling around like a crazed person:  I’m doing it for you!”:  my husband, my immediate family, my wider family.  Preseverve:  yield:  build.