Aj Schwanz

So if I wanted to follow the big “no no’s” of good blogging, I would apologize for not having written much lately or come up with a bunch of excuses why my little space in the world wide web is gathering dust:¬† so I shouldn’t do that, eh?¬† But, having been raised in a right proper Southern family, it’s hard not to launch into the ritual of warm (with a hint of nervousness) greetings with a profuse amount of apologies and an invitation to come in and have something to drink.¬† I think that last part is right on:¬† so, come - sit - I have water and milk and soy milk and Sierra Mist Free and orange juice and Crystal Light lemonade — anything suit your fancy?

I’ve been keeping up, somewhat, with the blogosphere:¬† hearing Quakes talk about identity crisis, hearing Emerging folks talk about needing to mature lest they phase out, hearing Mamabloggers wondering if they have shared too openly on the web and disrespected their kids, hearing longtime bloggers announce that they’ve lost that blogging feeling and are closing up shop. ¬† Where do I fit into all of that, I wonder.¬† A bit of all worlds, I think.

God’s moving in me pretty significantly, I think.¬† I say “I think” mostly because everything is so boggy that it’s hard to see above the muck.¬† Graham Cooke says in the midst of crisis that God is in process:¬† we’re not to ask to be delivered from it (because “God well spent a bloody amount of time and resources getting you into it!”), but rather to ask God what God’s doing and what God wants to teach/transform in us. ¬† But the crisis hasn’t felt that extreme, or at least as extreme as I’ve felt in the past, so I haven’t really been asking God, “Hey:¬† whaddup?”¬† It’s the difference between a headache and a migraine:¬† if you get migraines, you don’t think headaches are all that bad - but it doesn’t mean we’re meant to live with them.

So it’s totally hokey, but as I laid awake in bed last night (yesterday I took a nap, and then I couldn’t fall asleep until 2am - this is why I HATE NAPS), I had a flash of a scene from a movie.¬† It was the Neverending Story (I know, I warned you that it was hokey:¬† I am a child of the 80’s, and it’s is my right to envoke all that comes with that - from jelly shoes to slap bracelets to MC Hammer).¬† I saw the part where Atreyu was in the Bog of Eternal Sadness and he knew he had to find the cure for the dying Empress by going to the Southern Oracle which was on the complete other side of Fantasia and his horse died (I never watch that part - yay for fastforward) and the Gmorch was getting closer and he was just sinking into the bog (okay, so my happiest thoughts aren’t necessarily in the wee hours of the morning).¬† But then came Falcor, the Luck Dragon who whisked him away and took him to where he could get clean and healed up and was just a few miles from his destination.¬† And I thought:¬† Man, I’ve got to get me one of those.¬† Does he do childcare as well? I don’t think I’m in a bog of sadness but rather apathy.¬† It’s so weird:¬† I feel like God is really moving around me and the Spirit is teaching, but somehow . . . there’s a disconnect.¬† If you ran into me on the street and asked, “Hey, what have you been experiencing lately?” I’d have so much to rattle off.¬† My face would light up, and my hands would start moving, and I verbally spew about:

• The idea of community versus communitas - communitas being a group of folks who have an intense bond due to their united mission which is often taking place outside of the larger community, and the liminal experiences they go through strengthens the community when they return.¬† Camp/mission trips:¬† high schoolers go not to build community, but community comes about as they are experiencing this liminal united goal.¬† They return to the larger community (home church) with ideas and experiences that will strengthen the gathering . . . if folks listen and give them places to speak/do (which we don’t, and then high schoolers feel unheard and rarely transistion into the intergenerational gathering).¬† I think that the blogging community is really communitas, and some are disappearing from that because communitas is liminal:¬† they’ve come together for a period of time to explore something (Quaking, Emerging, mothering, writing, etc.), and now they’re wanting to bring their experiences to the larger community, but will the community listen and respond?

• The peace of Christ:¬† I’ve been praying for the Spirit to reveal to me lies I’ve been believing.¬† I know I have wounds - we all do.¬† But as my son is entering the “terrible twos”, I’m finding my wounds getting rattled more frequently (a.k.a. I’m really crabby).¬† I could look at the here and now and blame it on him:¬† “Why won’t you sit still?”¬† Or I could recognize that he’s triggering some sort of lie I’ve believed, and the only way to get healed up is to sit at the feet of Christ and ask for transformation.¬† And it works.¬† It feels . . . eerie.¬† But good — really, really good.

• Nurturing the “shadow side” - When looking at personalities, we tend to focus on the strengths:¬† this is who I am.¬† But by negating the other side, we’re not holistic.¬† “We tend to develop worship patterns that suit our own preferences.¬† If the church stays with the same pattern of worship for ten or fifteen years, the result may be a congregation of people whose preference patterns are essentially the same” - Invitation to a Journey, 73.¬† How is my worship gathering doing this?¬† How do I do this?¬† What is God calling us to do to be holistic?

But if you asked me how *I’m* doing, I’d probably say, “Fine” (a.k.a.¬† don’t ask); or if I really knew you, I’d be a little more descriptive with “Enh.”¬† :)¬† Anger isn’t a relationship killer; apathy is.¬† It’s hard to have a vision of where to go (like Atreyu knowing he needed to get to the Southern Oracle), but not know how or even if one *can* get there:¬† it’s much easier to numb oneself to caring.¬† But I’m very blessed:¬† I have a number of luck dragons who are picking me up and cleaning me off and helping me get to That Place.¬† I just hope I don’t toss and turn so much that I fall off in midflight.

So yes:¬† here’s my post.¬† It’s completely random, poorly written, and breaking a number of “good blogging rules” (simply by mentioning “good blogging rules” is a big no no:¬† first rule of good blogging - don’t mention good blogging). ¬† I’ll sign off with one of my favorite conversation stoppers:

The higher, the fewer.