Aj Schwanz

My mom loves murder mysteries: not the nasty, gorey kind, but the classy kind (heh heh: that seemed funny to type), like the kind they show on Mystery. As a kid I learned *not* to watch them with her: she always knew what was going on, and I felt like I was fumbling around in the dark. At the end, I would turn to her shocked at the outcome while she would calmly say, “Oh, I figured that out twenty minutes ago when this happened . . .” and would explain how it was so obvious. Let’s just say I tended to stick to Matlock - it was more at my level of perceptiveness.

Perhaps it’s just that I’m not a very perceptive person. I used to think I was good at reading people and situations, but now, not so much. Case in point: my son has been going to bed later and rising earlier. But in the afternoon he’s been getting crabby and not-so-enjoyable: throwing things, sitting on the dog, picking at my legs. I couldn’t figure out what was going on until his dad threw out the threat, “Do you want to take a nap?” It was two hours before naptime, mind you. I scoffed. But then the child blew kisses to us, waved, walked upstairs, and tried to climb into his crib. Huh?!! We’ve tried that trick at night when the pillishness comes out: he’s going to bed an hour or two earlier and sleeping later. The signs were all there, but I just didn’t get it.

So now I see some things going on in life, but I’m scared to draw any conclusions because it seems my perceiver is out of whack. Things I’ve noticed:

Justice.

• The same day I write a post about justice, we have a time of prayer for justice in our worship gathering - naming specific countries we feel concern for in the realm of needing God’s glowing healing touch of justice.

Sustainable Living.

• Strange how books with similar themes that I’ve placed on hold at different times arrive almost at the same time. I just finished reading Not Buying It: My Year Without Shopping.

From BookList
Other than phenomenal willpower and maxed-out credit cards, what does it take to simply stop purchasing for 12 months? Levine took the plunge–and found it irritating, exhilarating, thought provoking, and humiliating–among many other conflicting emotions. What’s an inexpensive substitute for Q-tips? How to best gift a soon-to-be college graduate without spending any money? How to avoid the consumption seduction that lurks in every corner? Levine chronicles her feelings in this almost-weekly diary of the year of nonpurchasing. Many of her points are intentionally provocative; for instance, not buying makes her feel vulnerable and having to ask for help. Plus, her secondary sources, from the recently issued Trading Up (2003) to federal deficit projections and Socratic pronouncements, add a great deal of depth to a topic that could be perceived as frivolous. Barbara Jacobs
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

• And now I’m reading Hungry Planet: What the World Eats.

From Publishers Weekly
Starred Review. For their enormously successful Material World, photojournalist Menzel and writer D’Aluisio traveled the world photographing average people’s worldly possessions. In 2000, they began research for this book on the world’s eating habits, visiting some 30 families in 24 countries. Each family was asked to purchase‚Äîat the authors’ expense‚Äîa typical week’s groceries, which were artfully arrayed‚Äîwhether sacks of grain and potatoes and overripe bananas, or rows of packaged cereals, sodas and take-out pizzas‚Äîfor a full-page family portrait. This is followed by a detailed listing of the goods, broken down by food groups and expenditures, then a more general discussion of how the food is raised and used, illustrated with a variety of photos and a family recipe. A sidebar of facts relevant to each country’s eating habits (e.g., the cost of Big Macs, average cigarette use, obesity rates) invites armchair theorizing. While the photos are extraordinary‚Äîfine enough for a stand-alone volume‚Äîit’s the questions these photos ask that make this volume so gripping. After considering the Darfur mother with five children living on $1.44 a week in a refugee camp in Chad, then the German family of four spending $494.19, and a host of families in between, we may think about food in a whole new light. This is a beautiful, quietly provocative volume. (Nov.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

• I read a blog entry pointing to a post that haunted me and then received a comment from the post’s author the next day: “Hungry for a Better World (or Starving for Sustenance)“.

Craftiness.

I’ve been reading a lot of craft blogs as of late. These folks are amazing: they make the most creative things out of scraps of fabric and bits of yarn. Some even make their own fabric and yarn!! I’ve read comments about how they avoid shopping at places like Target because even though it’d be so easy to buy the pair of three dollar shorts for their kid, it’s so much more fun and economical to make them themselves. And they do all sorts of fun package exchanges: fabric, patterns. One had folks exchanging their favorite music for kids as well as sending fun little things that they made like kid aprons and pencil pouches and stuff.

Frustration.

For myself, it’s hard to be crafty or get into sustainable living in suburbia. I need mentors, and I don’t know where to look in my isolated community. I was chatting with Jason about it: if I lived in Idaho where I grew up, I would have lots of folks to look to for ideas on how to can, garden, be thrifty; if I lived in a big city, I would have pockets of creativity to tap into - cultural events, specialty stores for crafts or ethnic foods. But suburbia is not the easiest of places for me to live intentionally and peacefully.
I see all these things that seem to be signs or signals, but I don’t know what of. I have a sense God’s going to have to get this blunt with me before I get it:

“Ma: I NEED A NAP!” Yes, he walked upstairs into his room, pulled the quilt off of his crib, put it on him just like we do during naptime, and fell asleep on the floor cause I just wasn’t catching on. But now: signal received loud and clear.

Wednesday during Bible Study we spent time praying for countries where grave injustices are taking place. Yes, this could be any country, but we focused more on places of known mass atrocities: Sudan, Uganda, Guatemala, Haiti, Thailand, Russia. My heart broke, as many other women’s heart did, at the thought of what life is like specifically for the women and children who seem to bear the brunt of these evils.

Today as I opened the paper to engage in my daily Sudoku-ing, I almost gasped at the front page Living story: Who stops genocide?

“Fifty years ago, one-third of our people were wiped out by genocide,” Gottfried says now. “We do what we can to remember, but that doesn’t mean that there have not been other times when this happened. We say, ‘Never again’ for us, but we need to say, ‘Never again for anybody in this world.’ “

“Most folks involved in this are not advocating a large military presence in Darfur,” Bryant says. “Many of us feel that it would be counterproductive for the United States to take the lead in getting a United Nations peacekeeping force. Personally, I think that to place American troops in a Muslim nation right now would send the wrong signal to the rest of the world. And it probably would not be well-received.”

“What is still needed, what is going to be needed, is sustained attention,” he says. “Right now, there are 31/2 million people from Darfur who are dependent on international aid for their survival. We need for them to go home, to start their lives again, to start farming again, to rebuild their herds again. Stopping the death is one thing. Restarting life is another.”

I would be lying if I were to say I weren’t completely overwhelmed thinking about the world’s injustice - somewhat of a deer-in-the-headlights thing: paralyzed. What can I do to help stop death and restart life?

– Pray. Prayer makes a difference; how can one come into the presence of God and not be changed? And how else am I going to have a heart like Christ’s if I don’t listen and respond?

– Check out what’s going on. Be aware. Don’t stick my head in the sand.

• Save Darfur
• Sojourners
• Mennonite Central Committee
• International Justice Mission
• American Friends Service Committee

– Read Scripture. I briefly glanced at a great-looking book: Good News About Injustice. The author said rather he gets overwhelmed and paralyzed when he has not read the Bible and remembered the promises that God gave us: that He is in control. God knows what’s going on; God weeps more than we possibly can over his loved ones in pain. But God still calls us to abide in God’s peace and joy.

What resources do you use? What ways has God called you to deal with pain and injustice in this world? It would greatly help me out if you could share: I seem to be lacking in knowledge and experience in this area, and I feel God’s call growing stronger by the day.

Ah, yes: yet another installment of Balcony-Person Aj’s Sunday Reflections. I would be lying if I didn’t say that at moments I wondered if this is my Sunday theme song:

“Why do we always come here? I guess we’ll never know. It’s like a kind of torture to have to watch the show.”

But I think today’s worship gathering at NFC would’ve put a plug in their yappers, both due to amount of sharing, the type of content shared, and the stark call of the Spirit towards worship and adoration of God our King.

Today we sang a number of songs glorifying and confessing that God is our King - how we stand in awe of God, we bow down and crown you our King. I struggled with the songs some: many folks were so emotionally engaged, I wondered if they truly connected with the words or if they were participating in a more “staged and planned” experience (worship planned to take us deeper and deeper to a certain emotional point; the “high” is achieved/consumed where folks feel “touched”; the worship comes out of that deep place; we continue with life as normal feeling like our job is done). But then, of course, during open worship a number of people shared about the deep meaning and connection the worship songs had for them - for some it was a true confession of the profession that God is King; for some it was a marker of how songs serve as markers - the words take on additional meaning as God working and healing in them over the years. Ah, the Spirit dialogues in crazy ways.

As open worship began, a Friend stood and shared his concern for some business matters taking place at the Yearly Meeting/District level of our denominational gathering. He wanted to engage in discussion with others about their knowledge of these matters and to call attention to a meeting taking place next Sunday regarding these changes. Compared to the worship we had been engaged in, it was a shocking, jolting thing: my spirit recoiled so strongly that I started shifting in my seat, gripping the pew in front of me, feeling the need to Make-This-Stop!

My friend stepped up and did the job he is so gifted to do (though he is wonderful at preaching, despite what he believes I think): to name what just happened, to gently and lovingly remind us the difference between Open Worship and Worship for Business. The rest of our time was spent in open worship. Some continued down the road of business, but for the most part people seemed to enter into a deeper level of worship: sharing their personal calls, confessions, praises. It was almost as though the initial sharing reversely clarified what worship truly is - how we do it - what our attitudes and thoughts and actions and lives should be.

I understand why the friend spoke. With change can come perceived loss of control, and a natural reaction to such a threat can be fear. And I welcome the opportunities to discuss this at the appropriate time and venue.

But I’m even more excited about what will come from this encounter with the Spirit. I *know* the Spirit was there: a number of times people shared exactly what I was thinking. AND I’m realizing that I cry when the Spirit is around. Which is not the barometer I would prefer God to use to alert me to when the Spirit’s doing a jig (seeing as how I do things, such as sitting in the balcony, to AVOID ATTENTION). But tears flowed down my cheeks for a good half hour, and even the nose decided to join in the liquid bounty: boy howdy, I was so pretty on this Mama’s Day. So I trade in my Heckler’s Theme song for a chorus, standing and waiting and loving on my Lord. Lord, you are calling us to a season of confession and deepened worship; will You help us receive what You have prepared for us?

You are beautiful beyond description,
Too marvelous for words;
Too wonderful for comprehension,
Like nothing ever seen or heard.
Who can grasp Your infinite wisdom?
Who can fathom the depth of Your love?
You are beautiful beyond description,
Majesty enthroned above.

And I stand, I stand in awe of You,

I stand, I stand in awe of You;

Holy God, to Whom all praise is due,

I stand in awe of You.

I stand in awe of You

Yesterday, after having sat in the dentist’s chair for 2.5 hours in a procedure that has required multiple visits and an endodontist and STILL isn’t done, I was kinda done with my day.¬† Yes, many hours remained, but the desire to be productive was drilled away with my temporary filling.

When a day like this occurs, the hardest hour is from 4-5, the hour before my husband comes home.¬† For some reason having another individual around gives me a second wind, or at least gives me assurance that I have some back-up in the parenting department.¬† I think many mothers feel this way, hence the Oprah Show being on at that dreaded hour - aimed at women, sometimes a little stimulating, but at least it’s distracting.¬† I only turn to Oprah in true hours of desperation - yesterday was one of those days.

Except it was not a fun show - nobody won any cars, Rachael Ray didn’t make a guest appearance to engage in lushyness with Oprah, no celebrities broke down talking about “how hard their lives are.”¬† No, this was one of her “true life” episodes focusing on “real people,” and those real people happened to be women (specifically moms) who hated themselves.¬† One was anorexic, one was an overeater, and though they looked different at night and day, Oprah’s doctor/specialist of the season said their problem stemmed from the same element:¬† self-hatred.¬† Apparently when asked what is missing from their lives, the number one things said by Americans is “love of self.”¬† Oprah spouted off a number of ways self-hatred manifests:¬† anorexia, over-drinking, over-eating, over-spending, gambling, gossiping.¬† I couldn’t help but thinking, “Where have I heard a list of these compiled before?¬† Oh yeah, Scriptures.”¬† Hmmm.

What Oprah really whanged on these women was regarding the effects on their children, how their attitudes and actions dramatically affect and shape their children’s future.¬† Wow:¬† throw on the guilt - very helpful.¬† I suppose for some it could be, but for myself, knowing those nasty little things I can’t or don’t know how to change, it pushes me further towards self-hatred, and the spiral deepens.

It’s hard for folks to get help.¬† “Life gets in the way.”¬† “I’m so busy.”¬† “I can’t afford counseling.”¬† “It didn’t work last time; why would it work now?”¬† But for one group, this is very true - for moms, particularly of young tots.¬† I wonder how I’m called to get help as well as make resources available to folks - for support, for prayer, for healing, for wholeness.

As Mother’s Day comes upon us, would you take a look around with me?¬† To talk with God about your love or hatred of yourself?¬† To ask the Spirit who you might be able to walk with towards the love of Christ?¬† It seems like such a small thing, but lately that’s where I see God moving:¬† the little details, the casual conversations, the small gifts - I just have to keep my eyes and ears open.

Lately at church folks have often proclaimed, “Amazing gathering!¬† I felt the Spirit so powerfully!”¬† People share freely and frequently in open worship, and the messages have been very similar - that of Christ’s love for individuals and communities and beyond.¬† But I haven’t been able to participate fully:¬† something’s been off-kilter, a very uncomfortable sense of unrest and a call to something more.¬† But not having found a way to express it constructively (i.e. not throwing a tantrum), I’ve chosen to remain quiet in service and process with close ones.

But this Sunday — this Sunday was *good*.¬† Playing in the worship ensemble, Jason told me that the focus of the gathering was Faith Promise (equipping missionaries tied to NFC with monetary and prayer support).¬† But this time the sharing was different:¬† it was tied around a common element - all of these missionaries work with kids.¬† So we sang “kid” songs (man, if you want to work out your glutes, sing a couple rounds of “Allelu, allelu, allelu, alleluia, praise ye the Lord!” with the standing and the sitting and the standing and the sitting . . . though I did notice that the university president and his wife sitting in front of me abstained from the aerobic workout), young folks read the Call to Worship, folks shared about camping programs and mission trips to Thailand to help young people stay out of the sex trade, and then we closed with a corporate prayer.¬† No specific “sermon” was given, but through our participation, the message was received and experienced very clearly.

Being at this particular stage in life/motherhood, it was hard to pray the corporate prayer - not because I don’t agree, but because it’s so starkly real.¬† Particularly as Mother’s Day is approaching, I’ve been talking with God about how who the “parents” in my life have been and how God calls me to be a parent to the Little Ones that I come into contact with on a regular basis “for these children and all those in between.”¬† What does God say to you?

A PRAYER FOR THE CHILDREN (best when spoken aloud)

We pray for the  children
who put chocolate fingers everywhere,
who like to be tickled,
who stomp in puddles and ruin their new pants,
who sneak Popsicles before supper,
who erase holes in math workbooks,
who can never find their shoes.
And we pray for those
who stare at photographers from behind barbed wire,
who’ve never squeaked across the floor in new sneakers,
who never had crayons to count,
who are born in places we wouldn’t be caught dead,
who never go to the circus,
who live in an X-rated world.
We pray for children
who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions,
who sleep with the dog and bury goldfish,
who give hugs in a hurry and forget their lunch money,
who cover themselves with Band-Aids and sing off-key,
who squeeze toothpaste all over the sink,
who slurp their soup.
And we pray for those
who never get dessert,
who watch their parents watch them die,
who have no safe blanket to drag behind,
who can’t find any bread to steal,
who don’t have any rooms to clean up,
whose pictures aren’t on anybody’s dresser,
whose monsters are real.
We pray for children
who spend all their allowance before Tuesday,
who throw tantrums in the grocery store and pick at their food,
who like ghost stories, who shove dirty clothes under the bed,
who never rinse out the tub,
who get visits from the tooth fairy,
who don't like to be kissed in front of the school,
who squirm in church and scream in the phone,
whose tears we sometimes laugh at and
whose smiles can make us cry.
And we pray for those
whose nightmares come in the daytime,
who will eat anything,
who aren't spoiled by anybody,
who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep,
who live and move, but have no being.
We pray for children who want to be carried,
and for those who must.
For those we never give up on,
and for those who never get a chance.
For those we smother with our love,
and for those who will grab the hand of anybody kind enough to
offer.

~Ina J. Hughes, Mission Newsletter of Foundation for His Ministry, August, 2002

God is wonky.  Two Sundays ago was a powerful service . . . for most folks.  I
sat there frustrated, anxious, and pretty curmudgeony:¬† why is service the same ol’ thing every week?¬† Is Graham Cooke right - a God capable of creating a bajillion types of insects must be bored out of his skull with our Worship Structure/Formula?¬† I’m glad that folks recognize that Christ loves them, but isn’t there more to the message than that?¬† Yes, Newberg Friends has had some amazing people come through it’s doors:¬† but what about the amazing people who never come . . . and don’t need to? ¬† How do we connect with them where they’re at?

As I looked around, feeling as though everyone was moving with the tide of the Spirit except difficult ol’ me, I wondered if I needed to leave - both momentarily and maybe permanently.¬† Maybe this was God’s way of motivating me:¬† making me so uncomfortable on Sunday mornings as I actually somewhat dread the hour plus internal struggle - how much longer can I simply sit on the pew?¬† Gregg mentioned that individuals at NFC were responding to the Spirit in powerful ways in their communities - I almost resorted back to two-year-old Aj by throwing a temper tantrum yelling, “Who are they?!!!¬† Why don’t I know them?!!¬† How can we work together?!!?¬† Why aren’t we more connected?!!”

So why is God wonky?¬† Because that afternoon as I contemplated setting off on a new journey, I received a voicemail from someone asking me to take a position as Recording Clerk for the Business Meetings.¬† As I was listening to the details, I started laughing hysterically:¬† I’m fortunate my husband didn’t commit me.¬† So, before me lay two options:¬† to leave or to get further involved.

It wasn’t an easy decision:¬† having not attended a business meeting, I assume that it’s dealing with a lot of “overhead” issues (salaries, building, administrative type stuff) - stuff that early Quakers and emerging church say we shouldn’t devote so much time to.¬† But then while I was reading Never Eat Alone (no, it’s not a food book - it’s about networking… with a little eating¬† :)¬† ), the author made the statement “You need to give more than you ever expect to receive.”¬† My giving has been very poor as of late, but my expectations of taking are overwhelming:¬† mememe!!!! Over and over he emphasizes the importance of relationships.¬† I wanted to throw a tantrum because I don’t feel like I have good enough connections/relationships with folks at NFC:¬† I guess this could be a way to find that out!
After talking with the Presiding Clerk, I decided to accept the role.¬† Recording Clerk is a position I am very familiar with (thank you Friends Youth Exec, temp. Board of Evangelism, and my former boss with weekly staff meetings).¬† Meetings are quarterly.¬† And who knows what I’ll learn/be able to bring to the meetings.¬† A friend commented, “Well, that’s the way to get young adults to come to the meetings - enlist them.”¬† I doubt many more young adults will come, and I don’t know that they necessarily need to.¬† But at least I can be a voice - a connection on both sides.¬† And if things need shaking up, I can always throw a little temper tantrum for good measure.¬†