Aj Schwanz

On Tuesday after our breakout sessions an announcement was made that women interested in the Emerging Women Leaders Initiative were going to meet: of course, my companions all whipped their heads towards me and said, ìYouíre gonna go, right?!!î See, theyíre the type that, even though they didnít have any reason to stay, theyíd hang out at Yale so that I could go connect with folks - theyíre the best.
We tried to gather in the large room, but noise levels scuttled us across the quadrangle to a room next to the Henri Nouwen Prayer Chapel (not very impressive - but still: cool). We sat in a large circle/square and shared our names and our involvement in church. ìHi, Iím . . . and Iím a pastor.î ìIím . . . and Iím getting my Ph.D from a divinity school.î ìIím . . . and Iím an ordained priest.î Over. And over. And over. Panic started to rise in my chest: I donít fit in here - Iím not qualified. I came up with a ìIím Aj, and I write material for and lead a small group focused on spiritual formationî - I didnít think saying ìI blog when Iím not taking my sixteen-month old to his daily Freddies/church/library outingî would wow them all that much.

No one was *truly* directing the meeting, but a few were lending facilitation. The grant for the website ran out; the website is broken; a grant has been given to Emergent to do a brand-spankiní new website which will have a specific section for women. What would we like to be on it? And thatís when I became incredibly uncomfortable.

The pain started to outpour: women started expressing how they have been put down or neglected or not supported or outright criticized for being in a pastoral role. Theyíd like to start a church, but they know the higher ups (mostly men) wonít give them the time of day. They have congregations of folks who feel like refugees from the traditional church, and they donít know how to build bridges when they feel the same. They wanted a safe place to come, talk, be in a supportive community - and an easy way to do that would be online.

All of a sudden the website and the whole initiative was starting to look completely different that I imagined: when the noise of Irish feet jigging madly in my head grew too loud, I finally had to speak.

ìUm, I just need to clarify something. I think Iím the only person in this room who hasnít or isnít attending Seminary, and frankly I donít plan to. I feel that I have a call to ministry, but itís not that at this time. It sounds like this website or initiative is geared towards women in Seminary, and I just wanted to clarify that. I guess Iíve been blessed because I was raised a Quaker, and the stuff youíre talking about (lack of support in call to leadership) is completely foreign to me: the first time I was treated like a girl was just a few years ago, and frankly I couldnít figure out what was going on. I have a lot of support, male and female, encouraging me to follow through with my own particular call.

See, because at home Iíve talked with women about this site, and they were so excited because they too donít plan on attending Seminary or necessarily leading up front. The traditional church doesnít always make it easy for women to lead, but the forms that Emergent latched onto does: itís more viable to help folks like stay-at-home moms to be able to minister with their daily lives. We imagined that the website would be a place to provide resources for alternative-styles of leading, not necessarily up front pastoral roles. My call is to be with my sixteen-month old son, and I donít think thatís wrong. But I would like to connect with folks who are doing things like I am.î

I almost cried - partly because I was tired and on non-drowsy drugs, but also because I tend to get weepy when Christ is poking at my spirit. I donít think anybody in the room knew who I was going in, but they did after that outburst. Folks were incredibly kind assuring me that they also want to see that sort of resource out on the web. They asked if Iíd be willing to work on that, to which I said yes - even though Iím busy, I have the blessing of knowing that there are these sorts of resources out there, and I want to share them with others.

My mother-in-law told me a story about the Come to the Water conference put on by the Wesleyan/Holiness Womenís Clergy. She said the first conference was basically an unintentional bawlfest: as they gathered together, women mourned and grieved the wounds that theyíve sustained from being in ministry - many because people doubt or criticize their call to lead. The conference was a safe place for them to share and grieve.

The next yearís conference was expected to be the same: folks packed tissue and were prepared to pour out their hearts. But it wasnít: people didnít really cry, but rather listened and conversed - the time was spent training and equipping. Why was it different? They were in a place of healing. The first conference helped them grieve and begin the process of healing so that they could continue to do their ministry.

When my dad picked me up, he asked his ìworthiness gaugingî question: I said the conference was good, and he asked, ìWere there any healings?î And I could honestly say, ìYes.î I think that Emergent women recognize the need for a safe place, a place to receive salve and prayer for their wounds. Then they can come to a place of equipping and strengthening. How exciting! Graham Cooke says our job isn’t to avoid wounds; it’s to get healed up faster.

I still donít know if I truly fit in - if Iím an Emergent woman leader. But I know Iím an emerging woman leader, and for me, I think thatís quite alright.