Aj Schwanz

I’m reading George Barna’s revolution: blame my father and John Macy.

The unfortunate truth is that most citizens of the “greatest nation on earth” are mired in an agonizing revolving door of trial-and-error efforts in a disheartening and unfulfilling search for truth, integrity, meaning, wholeness, connection, passion, and inner peace. Being in the presence of people who seem to have discovered the keys to achieving such lofty and desirable outcomes cannot help but cause earnest seekers to take notice — and to wonder how it is even remotely possible for Revolutionaries to succeed in our sophisticated age with such simple values and practices (13).

Simple values and practices: sounds very Friends-esque, yes? Or at least, first generation Friends - we’ve done a good job mucking it up.

Which brings me to a passage in Leviticus that’s been haunting me. The first thing that struck me was in a preceding passage, talking about what happens when people turn away repeatedly from the Lord, refusing to accept His Call and Word for their lives, and describing in graphic detail what will happen to them: “You will eat the bodies of your sons and daughters.” ~ Leviticus 26:29, meaning you will consume that which will keep your bloodline going. In today’s society, it might not be that graphic, but I’d say many parents sacrifice their child to meet the parents’ own needs, be it putting them through countless programs to ensure the child’s “success” according to their standards, or selling them out to the sex industry to bring in money: they consume some part of their children in order to feed a need inside of them.

But then comes an interesting part. After the people turning away again and again, and God punishing again and again, there comes this:

There Is Always Hope
But maybe the people will confess their sins and the sins of their ancestors. Maybe they will admit they turned against me and sinned against me. That made me turn against them. So I sent them into the land of their enemies. These disobedient people might be sorry for what they did. They might accept punishment for their sin. If they do, I will remember my agreement with Jacob. I will remember my agreement with Isaac and Abraham. And I will remember the land. The land will be empty. It will enjoy its time of rest. Then those who are alive will accept the punishment for their sins. They will learn that they were punished because they hated my laws. And they refused to obey my rules. They truly sinned. But if they come to me for help, I will not turn away from them. I will listen to them even in the land of their enemies. I will not completely destroy them. I will not break my agreement with them. This is because I am the Lord their God. For their good I will remember the agreement of their ancestors. I brought their ancestors out of the land of Egypt. I did it so I could become their God. The other nations saw these things. I am the Lord.” ~ Leviticus 26: 40-45

The land of their enemies: I wouldn’t say the typical American culture is welcoming of folks who are *truly* following the call of Christ.

“The mere presence of Revolutionaries makes the typical American citizen — yes, even the typical churchgoer — uncomfortable” (16).

Ouch. I somewhat feel like the land of America has had a time of rest as well - seems like there’s a harvest out there, and God’s clearing the way in preparation for harvesters trained by His own Hand - in tune with His leadings, His Word, His Light.

What really got to me was “and the sins of their ancestors.” Can we truly move and be the Church that God calls us to be without repenting? I’ve heard that Donald Miller details a great experience with that in his book Blue Like Jazz: setting up a confession booth at Reed College, but rather than hearing confessions, he and his friends confessed all the crimes perpetrated by Christians and asked for forgiveness. As I’ve been reading the Bible, over and over God says that he will not only punish the sinner, but also his sons and grandsons and great-grandsons. Leanne Payne talks about needing to be cleansed of the sins of our ancestors (racism in particular) because it *will* trickle down from generation to generation until someone repents and asks God to give them a new spirit.

So, as a member of my worship gathering, as a member of my denominational gathering, as a member of the Church of God, what sins of my ancestors am I called to repent? Even if I wasn’t there, it’s affected me - us - the whole. How do groups corporately repent? We want to move forward: but can we if we don’t repent of the sins of the past?

I feel like I should put a big ìDRAFTî stamp across this post. While Iíve been sitting with these thoughts that Iím about to throw out to the World Wide Web for a while, Iím nowhere close to being decided. Theyíre just some things that have been poking at noggin and tugging at my spirit, and much like my kitten whoís currently sitting on my lap despite many attempts at getting him to leave - theyíre not going anywhere.

Sometimes being in the middle is a grand place to be: one is balanced and has clear sight of both ends of the spectrum. Sometimes it really sucks because you just feel like gray mush (and not the good Quaker gray).

Two experiences of recent:

1) Andrew Jones came to town. Bob Hyatt kindly organized a gathering up in Multnomah Village. I had been reading a lot of ìemerging conversationî blogs and thought, ìIím going to meet kindred spirits: folks who will understand exactly where Iím at!î - that church is a way of living, not a weekly activity or social club. I met some amazing folks - people who were willing to be transparent to a stranger in their midst. I got into a discussion with Bob and started explaining some of my background and how I came to be there. Words started coming up like ìYearly Meetingî (which is nice and confusing in that itís the term for our denominational district as well as an annual gathering in July) and ìBoard of Evangelismî (I love and cringe at Bobís response: ìYou have a board that does evangelism?î). Communication was not as easy as I imagined; kinship was not instantaneous.

2) When I began this blog, it was important for me to work my denominational upbringing into it. I love having been raised in Quaker tradition. While I greatly resonate with the core beliefs and distinctives, I mostly appreciate the people I worship with - those that are drawn to the same worship expressions and beliefs as myself. Through my blog Iíve come into contact with other amazing folks who also claim the Quaker faith: weíve been able to discuss how some things look different, but many things are the same - responding to that God-placed ache to be in deeper intimacy with Him.

But while reading blogs and trying to get to know the background of other bloggers, Iíve hit a block. Folks mention terms such as ìHicksiteî or ìWilburiteî traditions; Inner Light; Conservative; Evangelical; Christ-centered or . . . ? Quakers have had quite a history: sometimes they were uber-active, sometimes they were uber-silent; some look like a community church full of special music and meet & greet times and a pastor preaching a message of ìGod loves you and has the perfect plan for your lifeî even though Iíve never been able to find those exact words in the Bible, some look like a bunch of very solemn people sitting in a room waiting for some unseen moment when they all of a sudden rise from their dormancy and begin spastically shaking hands. And generally when asked, either branch feels the need to throw in a disclaimer of ìwell, Iím not one of *those* Quakers.î
I donít know my Quaker history, to tell you the truth. Yes, I went to a ìQuakerî college; yes, I took ìHistory & Doctrine of Friendsî on Tuesday and Thursdays from 8:00-8:55. If you will note the time of the class, itís not a surprise that I retained very little (I say with much love in my voice, having expressed to the professor (and father of one of my best friends) that if we were getting paid (i.e. scholarship for Quaker students) to take this class that itíd be in their best interests to offer it at a time thatís conducive to sleep-deprived students: save that time for ìWorld of Musicî). As I read other blog entries, I find myself stumbling more over the language than understanding the true message of the post (ex. now when you say ìConservativeî, Iím assuming you donít mean Red State).

So after my ìEmergingî experience, I thought Iíd find comfort in a ìQuakerî experience, except I donít really find total understanding there. Talking with Bob I felt like somewhat of a boob; my thoughts were convoluted in terminology - Iím not emerging enough to leave behind definitions. Talking with other Quakers, I feel like an ignoramus and a bit ashamed to ask ìHuh?î - I’m not Quaker enough in knowing history and why Quakers stood for certain things. Hence my feeling of wading in gray mush.

I know Greggís said over and over (yes, Iíve heard you): Both/And. Both/And.

But I wonder what sorts of blocks my terminology and definitions give to other folks. Sometimes words can clarify; sometimes they can muddle. Is my language enabling folks to encounter Christ, or are their minds spinning over something like what type of evangelical I might be?

Part of me has thought of shedding my Quaker pin. How can I use it?: have I ever quaked with the power of God? Shedding my differentiation label certainly would support the idea that ìthereís really only one church, but lots of meeting places.î Particularly in this town where the Quaker college is perceived as pretty insular, would I have different interactions with folks if I simply said ìIím a follower of Christî rather than a ìFriendî? What would I miss out on? What would be gained?

I can hear the theologians going a little bizerko: how can I ignore [insert some word like eschatology or transubstantiation or Argumentum ad verecundiam (yes, I had to look that one up)]? I guess Iím making it rather simplistic (or for theologians out there: reductionist ): I donít see Christ talking a lot of theology, but rather loving, teaching practical stuff, and healing folks.

Like I said, this statement should have a big ìDRAFTî stamp across it - the thoughts arenít necessarily coherent or well-founded: just some thoughts from recent life experiences, and it seems that I find Christís transforming light more readily in those than thinking about our area Faith & Practice.

Iíve been reading my Bible before I go to bed at night. This is a new thing for me, which seems really sad as I look about at all the pretty and unused versions of Bibles I have lying around (ugh: wonít even get into the ìin America, gross excess is only half enoughî thing; letís just say Iím being an excellent American - ugh).

A few years ago I read all of my Bible as part of my new habit for the year. Iíve heard so many negative things about making New Yearís Resolutions, that they donít stick, that I never really got into that whole ìself-bettermentî thing. But then one year I realized it didnít have to be an Extreme Makeover, but just a subtle betterment. My first resolution: to floss daily. The next year: drink enough water. And to this day, I still do both of those other things.

Some habits havenít stuck - I buckle my seatbelt only out of duty to my father asking, and I still balance my checkbook by hitting ìbalance inquiryî on the ATM. And I stopped reading my Bible: Iíd pick it up here and there, but Iíd get bogged down either by Paulís deep, convoluted ramblings or by the mundane details about mildew in Leviticus. But Iíve been in an *awesome* Bible study lead by Pam Lau, and God has placed a concern on her heart that she be Bible-based and that she share that with others. She doesnít exalt the Bible above God, turning it into an idol (so easy to do), but rather encourages us and points out that itís a tool to communicate with, to be in communion with God.

So I picked up my childrenís Bible - a little red, beat-up book with a few pictures: the International Childrenís Bible in the New Century Version presented to Adrienne Gerick by Daddy & Mommy (I wrote my name, and I made each of them write theirsí - and Dadís is legible: quite the feat): I figured if I couldn’t make it through a children’s Bible, I was hopeless. I decided to read ten chapters a night because ten is a nice round number, and I like things to be nice and round (like my babyís tookus).

Right now Iím in Numbers, journeying with the Israelites as they begin to figure out what this whole covenant thing is all about. But a passage I read last week has been lingering in my mind, so I figured Iíd do some blogal processing. Itís in Exodus as God has rescued, liberated, delivered the Israelites from bondage in Egypt. Heís been giving some laws here and there (man: thereís a lot of laws!) that will allow the people to be in communion with Him, to keep them clean. After all the ìbring the best firstfruitsî and ìdonít offer animal blood along with anything that has yeast in itî (I really wish I had a Jewish interpreter to tell me the deal with certain stuff like yeast - I didnít know God was a low carb kinda guy), God says, ìAnd hereís what Iíll do for you.î

ìI will make your enemies afraid of me. I will confuse any people you fight against. I will make all your enemies run away from you. I will send something like hornets ahead of you. They will force the Hivites, Canaanites, and Hittites out of your way. But I will not force all of those people out in only one year. If I did, the land would become a desert. Then the wild animals would become too many for you. Instead, I will force those people out of your land very slowly. I will wait until there are enough of you to take over the land.î ~ Exodus 23: 27-30

First of all, I have a major God/perfectionist-complex in that I feel like I need to get all my crap together before I come to God to let Him change/clean me (see a brilliant post along the same lines). Second of all, I have a major twitching of my foot as it taps impatiently going, ìGod, this is a problem in me; if I can see it, You can, too. SO WHY DONíT YOU FIX IT?!!î

These verses gave me a little illumination into the methods of God. The Promised Land is a land flowing with milk and honey: itís full of bountiful blessings. But itís also full of giants and fortified cities. As the Israelites had their forty year wandering in the desert, they learned a lesson of faith: that God would deliver them through their troubles, not from them. If God eliminated everyone, the Israelites wouldíve moved into a barren, animal-overrun wilderness; but by resting in faith that God would deliver them through their troubles in His own time, they were able to inherit bounties of the land - cities, irrigation systems, wealth: things they didnít have to build for themselves because God transformed the bad into good for those who have faith in Him and His timing.

What does that mean for the checklist of problems that I mentally keep for myself? Iím not quite sure: thereís so many flaws I canít imagine why God doesnít just zap them right now. But my job is to rest in an active faith and believe that God will deliver me through these problems in His timing; that Heíll transform them into something that can bless others.

Maybe my habit for next year will be to learn to wait, or would it be more appropriate to put that off for another year?

I so got called out. By myself. On my own blog.

So have you heard me talking about community? How we need to be a part of each otherís lives? How church is a way of living, not an activity?

And then what do I do? Talk about how I really like sitting up in the balcony of my worship gathering so that I can be anonymous and not bothered and participate on the level that I feel comfortable with, and then leave to continue on with my week without connecting with others. Itís almost like I could hear God chuckling while I thought I was being witty but in reality proceeded to make an ass of myself. And publically: for all to read. Stink.

Iím part of a small group thatís called Listening Life - itís a place to make space to come and listen to Christ. The group has only met twice, and weíre currently laying the groundwork for what it means to be part of a small group. This last weekís focus: community.

HOW DID I NOT SEE ALL OF THIS COMING?!!? Itís like Iím the dumb blonde going up the stairs in a dark deserted house on Halloween in the horror flick; or the character on Days of Our Lives who everyone thinks is dead for the fourteenth time but really isnít; or changing my sonís diaper before heís pooped only to have the grunting begin once I pull up his pants - HOW DID I NOT SEE ALL OF THIS COMING?!!?

ìCommunity is not a sterile place that simply serves as a building in which to do prayer practices; rather the practice of living in the community is itself a prayer practice. As we allow others to relate to the life of a community as we would relate to any other prayer technique, we are formed and transformed by God.î ~ Daniel Wolpert, Creating a Life with God

So what does this mean? Walking my talk - and thatís the danger of having a blog, because Iím talking all the time (all of a sudden ìless is moreî sounds appealing). I oftentimes feel the opposite of folks: many find the intimacy of sharing in a small group threatening or scary - Iíll spill my guts. But put me in a large group of people, and I suddenly go to spectator-mode - I donít even like sharing on the surfacy level!

Iím comfortable with my small group community; how do I become part of the larger community? What does that look like? How can it be more than, ìHow are you today?î . . . or does it need to be more than that? How does one do community when the meeting for worship spans three services and two levels of seats?

Iím glad God doesnít mock me: I think I do a fair job myself.